When the miracle doesn't come

This morning I slept in, which means I woke up too late to make it for my morning work out but early enough to gather a few precious moments resting in bed next to my husband. It was a peaceful morning after an emotional and stressful week. Between the deer that totaled our car, Eric's grandma in the hospital again, his three day journey to take care of his grandpa, and the overload of paperwork and meetings that happens for teachers at conference times, there was little time for quiet moments. Especially in a week this special. 

It isn't the good special, the type where you dress in your best and take pictures to look back on when you are old and remembering the life that gave you wrinkles. But it is special in it's own way, and I believe it always will be. Special in a way that it holds significance, enough to change our lives forever. 

As I pulled up facebook this morning, in my attempt to not think about this week - it let me know I had a memory on this very day, a year ago. It is funny how when you try to not think of something you mind tends to wander there more often, until something blatantly points out what your trying to avoid. When this happens you mind latches on, the excuse to think, reflect, ponder, to dive in deep to what you have been trying for a while to just only skim the top of. A year ago today I posted 

"Believing for a miracle" 

What I didn't realize was a miracle already happened that week. And many miracles would continue to come since that week. However, that specific miracle I was praying for, believing in, clinging to.. never came. What happens when the miracles we are believing for never come? 

A year ago we found out we were a month pregnant. What a beautiful miracle that is - life created and grown by God above. For only he can give life - we can't manufacturer a soul, we can't generate breath. But He can, and He does. It was a miracle I was preparing for my whole life but more recently had been praying for specifically. Around 2 months before this we decided to start the journey to serve as long term missionaries in Somerset. When we made that decision I started praying a very specific prayer. Not a demand or ultimatum, but a request that God would let us get pregnant and have a child before we left. I wanted our parents to be grandparents who got to hold their newborn grandchildren. So when we found out we were pregnant it was my answer to prayer. Which is why when the emergency nurse shared that they were worried about the extreme cramps I knew everything would be ok. 

God was giving me my miracle. 

We prayed, and worshiped, and shared our request and needs with family and friends for 4 days, all the while waiting for our miracle. But this wasn't what God had in store, Isaiah 55:8 the Lord says that 

"my ways are fay beyond anything you could imagine" 

Later a dear friend and amazing prayer warrior would confide that she felt God responding to her please that He wasn't going to move in the way we though because he had something so much more planned and this would be a big part of our story. At the time it was little comfort but today I understand what she means. 

Our pregnancy was atopic and at 5 weeks we lost our son. It was the most heart breaking moment and choice of my life. I remember being in that hospital room holding my husbands hands as we both cried for the loss we were enduring. But even in that moment, when our world was crashing we were not alone in that room. Our God was right there with us. Even if I didn't want to feel it or accept it, if it was hard to understand. He was there holding us tight, wiping our tears. It was hard to reconcile the God that allowed our son to leave us was the same God that was comforting us. He didn't cause it, didn't gleefully take him, didn't carry us only to drop us higher than where we were. His character doesn't allow that. But he does allow things to come in and change us, shape us, and sometimes toss us upside down. But I learned that just because the miracle doesn't come doesn't mean God left. He has promised his faithfulness and promised to never leave us. Duet 31:8 

"He will never leave us, forsake us, or fail us" 

Oh, but in moments like that, in moments in your life when everything you hope for, prayed for, worked for, crashes it doesn't feel that way. Maybe yours isn't losing a child - maybe it is a parent, spouse, job, your health, your independence.. in these times it can feel like God has failed us. 

I was given so many words of encouragement and love and some well meaning trite sayings in hopes to make the pain lessen. But one person gave me permission to grieve and to question God. Not question who He is or His authority but why this happened the way it did. But let me tell you, I did question who He was and how HE could. I had that time where I had to have my heart and head agree and until they did I had to choose which one I was going to listen to. I knew all the Sunday school lessons but did I still believe them when faced with my own loss. Could my relationship with the one who gives life, be the same as it is with the one who takes life away. A.W Tozer mentioned that God's qualities are not like ours, they don't waiver or contradict. They are his character and infinite. Who He is can never contradict who He is. God can never fail us, God can never be anything but good. He is good in his grace and He is good in his sovereignty.

This is where the second miracle came in that week. It was like God saved my heart all over again. Because when ever God allows something to break in your life it is so that He can build you to be more like him. He held me and gave me peace as he allowed me to mourn and yell and wallow. then he gently and lovingly, day by day put my pieces back together. Do you know what. He made the pieces stronger, He filled gaps with more love and grace, he put in more understand of who he was.. that He is God and He is good even when life isn't. He showed me his comfort and his peace and how to stand on those when I couldn't stand on my own. 

On the really bad days, when I would sneak out of bed at 1 in the morning to cry in what would have been his nursery, God was there giving me waves of peace that I couldn't understand. When I would hear of a pregnancy or see a rounded belly, He would remind me that He is what keeps me sustained and He fulfills the desires of my heart. When the longing for a child continued months after the miscarriage and nothing was happening, he reminded me of his timing and plan. that he is still completing the good thing that He had started. 

A year later and I still have struggled with wanting what I was so close to having, to remembering in moments of sadness. There are still pieces of me that God is healing. A year later I am a lot stronger than I was. 

A year later I see the miracles that happened that day. Not the miracles I was praying for, or would have chosen if it were up to me. But miracles that God has put in my life to make me, and my husband, the people we are today. I didn't plan on writing this when I woke up this morning. Didn't plan on it being this long and I never planned on sharing what is written below. But I believe God allows things in our lives so we can encourage and uplift others. That we can show the world His goodness and grace. 

In the hospital room, the night before we lost our son, Eric and I had a time of prayer and devotional together. His word took us to Hannah and how she wept and prayed for her son. That night, together at the feet of our Lord, we wept and prayed for what we believed to be our little boy. We dedicated him to the Lord and asked God to save him. We named him Samuel Josiah Mayer, which means

God has heard him and has saved him. 

I want to say thank you to our friend and family, those who have prayed with us and for us. It is a blessing to be so loved. Thank you if you have read all the way to here, through my ramblings and memories. I hope and pray that it has truly encouraged you. One final though and then I will let you leave. At 1 in the morning, a few days after we were home, I was rocking and crying and God gave me the serenity to write. I have only ever shared it with Eric but I feel the need to put it here. I feel it is not just for me and Samuel, but for all mothers who have lost, for those too broken to put in words what they are thinking. Those too afraid to try again or to hope. The ones who put up a false front and pretend it doesn't hurt because it is not allowed to, because the world says it doesn't count. This is that last step in healing and moving forward, not forgetting, but continuing. One day we know we will see out little boy, hold him for the first time - all at the feet of the God who loved us all through it. 

Dear Child- 

It is so hard, I was your mom for such short a time with both of us on this earth. I never got to count your fingers or hold your toes. I never got to kiss your face or tickle your tummy. All precious moments I'll have with your siblings. It's hard because I didn't have enough time to get used to being a mom before it ended and you left us alone. It's weird sometimes to think that I am a mother, that's because of you, even though you're in heaven. I'll always remember you... years down the road. Wonder what it would be like if you had a chance to grow. Who would you be? Who would you love? Would you have my sense of humor or your dad's energy? Would you get in trouble? Would you love playing outside in the trees?

Sometimes I have to remember I don't need to wait to be a mom, I just need to wait to hold you in my arms. To let you go.. at anytime, honestly I'd love more time with you now. .

It's so weird I can't explain how I can miss someone I didn't even know was there. But I do and I feel it, I feel you not there. 

I am happy your with God and cradled there, but I mourn for all the missed memories here. 

It's so hard to think that though we are parents no one will see the love that is there, that qualifies our hearts to break and our eyes to tear. There's no plaque, no grave, no picture on the wall.. nothing marking the day you fell. Only the scars deep in our hearts and the love that we shared in our circle of three me, you, and your wonderful daddy.

So I cry as I rock in this empty rocking chair and ask God why you couldn't be here. Was it me, my fault, did I do something wrong? and how I could miss someone so much that I never got to see or hug or touch.

So my child, my baby I'll trust and I'll wait. For one day I'll get to see you by those pearly gates. Until that time I trust in our Lord's care and will always whisper my love in a prayer. For no matter how short a time you spent with me I promise your mother I will always be.

God please hold my child tonight because I can't reach him from where I sit, down here in this empty rocking chair. 

I could lie and rationalize... push all these feelings aside and go on as if nothing changed inside. I could say it as so short, that I didn't even know, I could say it was tissue that wouldn't even grow. I could push all my feelings and go on with the day. I could say the right things and hope it stays that way.

But I'd be lying to say he was never a life, that he didn't count because he didn't implant right. Cause the whisper is there in my heart, the truth that I'm missing so much ...No snuggles or tickles, no kisses goodnight. No teething, no walking, no singing or fights. No rocking to sleep with him in my arms. He had a purpose like we all do but that just won't be known.

I love you my baby. I love you my son. I love you for making us parents. I love you for being you. For all that would have been, for all that it was. 

Goodnight my baby, goodnight. 

Mission Conferences and New Friends

"Let us encourage one another..." 

Therefore encourage and build one another up, just as you are already doing.1 Thes 5:11

This past month we had the blessing to attend Shell Lake Full Gospel Mission Conference. While there with Pastor Kelton we were able to receive the encouragement and uplifting that our souls needed. We stayed from Sunday till Tuesday in Shell Lake thanks to their hospitality in hosting us. 

It was so amazing to see missionaries who started where we are and now, 30 years later, are still serving God. We, rightfully so,  felt like babes in a room of giants. We saw God provide for large needs in a matter of minutes and it was a lesson to learn in His provision.  It was neat to learn all the different ministries that are in the world causing change in the life of people all over the world.  The focus of the conference was that "We are more than conqueres in Christ" how true of an encouragement .  

While at the conference Eric attended a steak feed with the guys and I got to have afternoon tea with the ladies. 

It was wonderful to be prayed over and have our ministry be lifted up in prayer as well. 

Men's steak feed: 

 Ladie's tea 

                          

The best part of this month is that we got to host Pastor Kelton for a night. He brought with him Stan and Sarah. They have a church planting ministry within the gypsie population in England and Eastern Europe .  We loved having them stay with us and then getting to know them more at the conference .  We thank God for the friendship he has started that will continue on to our tine in England. 

While they were here we just had to show them the green and gold. 

We also found out that we will get to see Pastor Kelton again this last weekend in October .  He will be with us for one night and then join us at church the next morning. It's always great to join our sending church here and the receiving church in England. 

God Bless!

GO UP

This post may include random ramblings. I have been discouraged lately and I refuse to believe the lie that just because we are going to be missionaries we have to have it all figured out. The lie that just because you are a Christian you have to never show hurt or fear. I think as believers, the enemy likes to make us think we can't make mistakes or struggle. That we need to have everything figured out and perfect in order for people to believe in our faith. I want to say now that is the biggest and scariest lie the devil tells you.  Because, people listen closely here, WE ARE NOT CALLED TO DO IT ALONE.

We are not called to hide, to pretend, to fix ourselves, or to be perfect. We are not called to live in fear or dismay either. In fact we are called to GO UP to take that which God has promised us. We can't do that if we are hiding and scared of who we really are.

Now I am a big fan of the 'right time and place and person' to share things with, even as I post on an open blog. But when the fear grows that we can't share our discouragement or fear with our close brothers and sisters in Christ... well we set up for more fear and discouragement.

Deuteronomy 1:21 says "The Lord your God has set the Land before you. Go up, take possession as the Lord has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Deuteronomy is talking to the Jewish people as they are about to enter the promised land. How many promises, calls, directions have you received from God that lead you to a place that can be scary. Maybe it's the outcome, the responsibility, or maybe just the journey to follow him but at some point it gets scary. The Jewish people were giving such a huge promise and say God move in mighty ways to get them there. But they still had fear.  Our fear can keep us from seeing God's promises as attainable. We lose sight that he is the one who will complete the good work and we just have to believe and obey.  

We can't let the big and scary be more then the good and love of God is in our life....

So this is how I tie my ramblings together. If we are following God on a course and it gets scary, we are supposed to turn to our brothers and sisters in Christ for help. If we let the lie that we can't stand in the way, then things get bigger and scary and the promis of God seems farther away. Every one needs help and encouragement at some point. Look at Moses, even he needed his arms supported when the staff became to heavy. So instead of trying to be perfect, lets help each other raise our staffs and lets Go Up and claim the promises and victories God wants to do in our lives.

:)

DON’T CRY BECAUSE IT’S OVER. SMILE BECAUSE IT HAPPENED

Hello all my dear ones, 

         This month has been the beginning of what I feel will be a long road of endings, changing, and saying goodbye. While we still have a ways to go in fundraising and preparing to leave the reality of it has set in during this month, for me at least.  This month we officially stepped down from leadership at 365, the young adult group we helped lead. For the first time in 6 years our Thursdays were not scheduled for Bible Study, there was no message to plan, no meeting scheduled - at least that we were attending. 365 holds a dear place in both of our hearts and always will. Eric started with the ministry in the beginning and for me, it really saved me when I moved to Green Bay. It was the fellowship I was looking for and became the family that I needed. Some of my best friends, greatest memories, biggest growths, came from there.. not to mention it is where Eric and I met. 

         The ministry continues though, under its leaders Bob and Bethany. We are so excited for the work they have done with the ministry and continue to do with it. We were so blessed to serve under them and work with them these past few years. They have encouraged, challenged, and blessed us.  Thankful for their friendship, partnership, and the ability to stop in and visit our old Bible Study any given Thursday. There is a quote that clearly states the way we feel, it is the time we spent together that matters and we will carry with us. 

Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not that we left it.  

Bob, Bethany, Eric and I @ our last 365 retreat. August 2016

As we move on we don't plan to leave our Thursdays alone just yet. Now starts the part of our preparing where we are going to start attending other young adult groups. We are looking for groups that meet around the Green Bay area that cater to the young adult generation. We already have a few we are planning to visit. We want to learn how others lead, how others plan, what they study, how they interact, what food they serve :) 

We know that by being well prepared we can better reach the people in Somerset. We don't want to get there and only have the one model to follow. As a teacher we have a saying

  "Don't have an empty toolbox". 

You need to have more than enough ideas and strategies so that your 'toolbox' is never emptied but continuously growing. We are excited for God to continue to fill our toolboxes with lessons He has for us. 

1st church visit!

We were so blessed to be invited to speak at our first church this past weekend. 

We were able to share the need we see in England along with the vision God has given us.  

It was so great to meet everyone there and feel so welcomed by the congregation.  To see their passion for missions was so encouraging. It is always amazing to see the body of Christ support each other. We hope to share with them soon of our departure for the field. 

We got to remake our board with the help and direction of one of our mentors from GEM 

and are excited to display it for the first time last Sunday at the church. 

Now it correlates with our brochure.  

**In this picture it is missing the "about us" facts. Don't worry we got it on before it's debut. 

This is us outside of the church. We were so excited to share with people

 and have them be so receptive to our hearts. This month we also celebrated sending 

out our 1st newsletter, we just want to say a big thank-you for the great responses 

we have received. It is so important to us to stay connected with our partners as 

we take this journey.  We have enjoyed getting the  opportunity to meet

 with so many people and grow our team with  individuals who are excited 

to see this work done in Somerset. 

It is here!

Hello! 


   I write to you guys as Eric is off at his new job dropping off his tools and welding gear. We want to thank you for your prayers over the summer and are excited to see what God will do at his new job. We believe these hours will help give him more flexibility to have time for fundraising and preparing to speak at churches.

  With the extra time off we were able to borrow a friend's cabin and go celebrate Eric's 30th birthday in Minocqua. It was a great time to relax, take our focus off of everything else, and celebrate where God has us. We enjoyed a lumberjack show and some Hawaiin ice both completely new experiences for me.  Speaking of new experiences, Eric saw his first ever Rugby match on the Olympics. I am slightly worried at how excited he got. We found out from friends in Somerset that there is a Rugby club in town, so he could play on the weekends... good thing we have insurance :)

This year we have been slightly torn at the Olympics and have found ourselves cheering for both our home land and England.. makes it extra exciting when they both medal.


As summer winds down and we wonder where it went to I am preparing to head back to school. It is an interesting year because I know tha school isn't my focus this year.. My focus is to prepare the best I can for the mission God has given us. This shouldn't be a new way at looking at life, God has given us each a mission and a purpose - things He has called you to. A good question is to ask yourself if you are living out your life preparing for the mission God made you for. Or do you find that you are being distracted by the small things around you?


  This month will be our first enews and I am excited to send it out. If you are not signed up for our newsletter and want to be please comment or email me your email address and I will add you to the list.

One final piece of good news.. we are 10.6% funded!
We want to thank our partners for listening to God and joining us as we reach out to the young adults/families in Somerset.

Seeking out God.

Our first update in July! Wow, I can't believe it is already July...  in four weeks I will be starting school again and we will even busier than now. Today in my quiet time I was starting the book of Acts. Do you know that Jesus told the disciples to sit and wait. He said to wait where they were till the Holy spirit came and gave them the power they were missing. Of course then their mission was to go and witness to the world.. but first they had to wait. 

So many times I find I am so willing to go, to do, to organize or accomplish. However, when God says to wait.. that is hard. He always has us waiting for good reason too. Sometimes it is to learn something, to learn to let something go, to grow in our faith, or just so we give up the ridiculous idea that we can do it on our own. 

I feel like Eric and I have entered a long season of "wait". We are waiting 11 months to our expected leave date, waiting for 93% more funds to come in, waiting for Eric to get a new job, waiting for a child... wait wait wait.... it is my least favorite thing to do and yet it is the season God has put us in. Through waiting though we get to learn that he is faithful and able to sustain us. We get to practice budgeting on a lower income than we are used to. We get to see him work out his plans in areas that we were getting comfortable in. We are being called out and strengthened, not only in our relationship with God but with each other. 

How exciting!  that is what I am supposed to say right? To some extent it is, but it is also scary and tough and tiring. It is tense, sad, and frustrating. So what truly makes it exciting is that we are being prepared. The trials that have come since we have been commissioned, and while there are many I do not want this to become a dumping ground of complaints, God has shown true through each one. We have been being prepared to face trials and obstacles in a different land, with different responsibilities, and less supports. God is prepping us instead of throwing us out there with no experience to call back on.  

Jesus told the disciples to 'wait' because he wanted them to be prepared for what they were about to embark on.. Is God asking you to wait on something so he can prepare you?? 

-Megan